"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken." (Proverb 15:13)
Over the last two-and-a-half years I have experienced a broken spirit. Actually, it's been a lot longer than that, but that is when it really hit home. I have watched that brokenness drain my joy, my peace, and my energy. NOTHING brought me joy - sadly, not even God. I had put up walls to protect what little I had left from others and their hateful remarks, their sneers, their condemnation. Oh, the condemnation! It's no wonder I have battled panic attacks for so long.
Most of them I suffered silently. I had "Christian" friends all around me, yet I knew if I said anything about that I would be bombarded by guilt and shame at not trusting God enough to let Him take it away. Oddly enough, my unsaved friends sympathized with me a whole lot more and with no guilt or condemnation. They got it. I couldn't tell my wife because she was a big part of the guilt machine. Nothing was ever good enough. I didn't say the right words. I acted wrong. I looked wrong. My (true) friends were bad people. I allowed myself to become disconnected from any source of encouragement or support. So I slogged on - hoping for the day when I would feel right again - but it didn't come.
My heart had grown sorrowful. The word for sorrow in this verse means "pain, hurt, injury, sorrow, wound". All very descriptive of exactly how I felt. When I escaped those people and those surroundings I sought comfort and solace. I was a wounded animal seeking refuge. And refuge I found - praise God!
The healing didn't come overnight. My heart and spirit were so wounded and scarred it has taken some time. But God is faithful and He can be gentle. Don't get me wrong, He has in the past been a God of wrath and force with me. But during this time He has graciously allowed me time as He removed the scars one at a time and healed the wounds that festered beneath. I am so glad I never turned my back on Him!
Today I am re-learning that I am a good person - a godly person. I am learning all over again how to make my own decisions, decide where to go, and how to act. I was told that when I got free (from the one who was the one holding the biggest knife) that I would turn into a player, a man-whore, and would run wild. I am very pleased to tell you that did not happen, because I knew in my heart the God of my salvation. I have had many opportunities, to be sure, but I walked with God in my brokenness and in my fear, staying close to Him and allowing Him slowly to re-train me in His ways.
Maybe this resonates with you as you read these words. This may even make you a little bit uncomfortable to see my vulnerability and transparency. Whatever your reaction may be, if this sounds like your situation I encourage you to find true friends, honest friends, who will stand alongside you, encourage you, accept you, and speak words of godly wisdom and comfort to you. It is hard to break free from the bondages of guilt and shame, of condemnation, of darkness, but it is worth whatever the price you have to pay to acquire this pearl of great price.
It has been a long climb back up out of that hole, but oh, the goodness of God that will accompany you. His Spirit will speak to you. And His joy will become your strength. If you haven't read it, I strongly encourage you to read John Bunyan's book The Pilgrim's Progress. And if you need a friend to walk alongside you through this journey, please reach out to me. I'll be happy to be there however I can.
Be blessed.
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